Glow
by Rayne-Jelly
Summary: I hated you all so much that I loved you. I don't suppose you know what that's like, to hate a person so much that you can't get them out of your head.


**Author's Notes: **I have no idea. I think, I was just sad, thinking of those days when I might have been like Snape, old, bitter, and heartbroken. This came out. Poor Sevs, he should learn to fight, does wonders.  Did wonders for me. Oh, special note, it's exactly 1001 words long, I love palindromes. ^_~. 

**Disclaimers: **I don't own anything. Nothing. Technically I don't own myself, interesting concept that, but I most _certainly_ don't own Harry Potter.  

_From the Journal of Severus Snape: Glow_

It's not fair of me. I know that it's not fair of me, it has never been fair. Then again, life is not fair.  I loved you all so much that I hated you, do you know what that's like? Do you know what it's like to hate a person so much that you can't stop thinking about them, can't stop caring about them? No, I don't suppose you would, you're dead after all. And do I give myself the sick opportunity to take joy in that? No, never, I'm destined to sit here and be miserable for your memories. But I'm getting ahead of myself. 

I was so unhappy, every day having to watch you succeed where I had failed time and time again, watch as you found yourself true happiness with friends and a family that loved you. You positively glowed when you were tormenting me, glowed in everything that you did.  All four of you did, and it broke my heart because I could never be a part of that, I could never glow like that.  Was it my fault I had a hooked nose and abnormally greasy skin? Was it my fault that I was sorted into Slytherin? No, it wasn't, but you held it against me anyway, damned prejudiced Gryffindors. Damned closed minded, prejudiced Gryffindors. 

I just wanted to be left alone, I didn't want to be anything in life, I didn't expect anything, and I didn't want anything.  But you made me what I am. More than genes could, more than my upbringing in a middle class pureblood family, you had a deeper effect than all of those things.  I wasn't loved, but I wasn't hated until you came along. Everything I said and did irked you, it wasn't my fault, I didn't know what to do.  I only wanted to be a part of the happiness that you and your friends seemed to share. Then, maybe I was. Maybe I was happy that you found some sort of entertainment in me, maybe I was happy that I could be a part of the laughter, if the butt of the joke.  

Always the butt of the joke. I didn't want to ruin that for you, I never would have complained. Never, not to my parents, or the administrators, Dumbledore was meddlesome even then, but I wouldn't have betrayed you. There was a tacit agreement between you and I, your friends and I. I don't say a word and you let me be a part of things. I hate that I would have done anything for you, if you'd asked me I would have lain down on the tracks of the Hogwarts Express for just a tiny piece of that glow… I suppose I'm an emotional masochist, but it was not to be. Maybe that's a good thing; someone had to survive after all, and I couldn't take anymore heart break. Someone had to look after your son. 

He was all of yours, Lily's eyes, your face, Sirius' blatant but loveable disregard for the rules, Remus' ability to intervene when you and Padfoot went at it…. He belonged to all of you, the inseparable marauders and wife.  Sometimes I wonder about that, but not often, I prefer to hate your memory in peace.   

I miss you. I miss seeing you every day, I miss seeing that special glow, and I see it reflected in your son, the new marauders, and I don't know if it's uplifting or damning. I know that it's heartbreaking, but I keep rescuing him. Would anyone blame me if I died, could anyone blame me if I couldn't quite save his life? Yes, I suppose they could, you saved mine, I save his, we're even.  

I like things that way, your son hates me, just as you hated me, just as everyone has always hated me.  He glows when he's spitting mad, just like you did, though he could have chosen his friends more carefully. Weasley and Granger do not glow, I couldn't get them to glow if I poured thirty pounds of glitter on them.  Weasley's ears light up like jack-o-lanterns, but he doesn't glow like Sirius did. He didn't come close. 

I can't help but think, if Sirius had been sorted as a Black, if he'd been a Slytherin, would we have been different? Surely, you would be the outcast.  Moony never once left Padfoot's side, he never stopped believing, if Black had been a Slytherin, so too would have Lupin.  You might be the tortured one, or not. Perhaps things would have been the same no matter what.  Of course it would have been the same, I know it, Padfoot died for your son, Moony died for his memory, and Wormtail started the chain of events that ended it all for Prongs and his pals. 

I was so desperate, so desperate to regain a glimpse of that glow that I turned to the death eaters after graduation. It wasn't the wisest thing I've ever done, I'll admit, but I didn't feel there was any alternative.  I've made up for it since, haven't I? I was trust worthy, I was the person everyone loved to hate, and now that I no longer see your son every day, now that the war is over, the students having moved on, the only thing I have left to do is wait for another person with that glow.  

Maybe one day I'll die, I'll be released from this sparkles prison and into one with no hope, a haven of sorts hell will be for me. There will be no hope, and I won't have to suffer it any longer.  I have a class to teach, but there's no one to hate me, no one that glows. Or maybe I'll join you, be reunited with the people I belong to, all four of you. 

Yes, I like that. I belong to you. I always have, and I suppose, in some ways, I always will. Forever.


End file.
